Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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