Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
