I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
