I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
