That's intense
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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