i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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