On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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