Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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