Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
