I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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