i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
