my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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