he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
