I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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