i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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