I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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