She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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