I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
