dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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