I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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