They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
