You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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