I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
