I queefed so loud it echoed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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