Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
