its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
