my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
