I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
