I think I won the penis lottery.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
