walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize