i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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