If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
not ubering you a puppy
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
