I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
