This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
