I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
