I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
