Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
