Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
