i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
