is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
