I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
