There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This is my gift to your gina
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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