My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
