So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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