just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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