My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He better not be in your backpack
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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