her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
