How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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