I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
