Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
