she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
