Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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