yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
