How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
