I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
