david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
