I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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