and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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