I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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