the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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